I can't wait for December. In fact, I can't wait for the day I leave school forever and I never have to look to any of my friend's face.
Whenever I say something about my health, they just look at me like a) I'm just acting to get attention or b) they feel sorry for me. I hate that kind of stuff.
When someone talks, what they really want is someone to listen to their troubles and not someone to look at them sadly. Okay, don't look away neither. But just be there and at least pretend that you are listening.

So, my back is worse. And now I have such big, damn tremors in my hand that I can't even draw/play volley. I'm such a sucker. I might even need a new sirgury. And I just know I can't take it psycologicoly, I would rather die.
I don't know. The other day, when I came from the appointment with the doctor I just...walked endlessly in the rain. To put it out bluntly, I even thought of going to the school and say my goodbyes.
You don't know how much I wished that I could be a little normal that it was. Being in perfect health condition, being at least average at PE, being able to be a girl without my shitty attitude...
Being able of not thinking about massacres and smiling.

I don't want to be delusional. I don't want to end up hurting someone.
So I've been thinking..maybe I should hurt myself for good, so that I wouldn't hurt anyone else.
I...if only I didn't know how school is important...I would seriously close myself in my room.