Shinobu over here, really happy.
This was the best anniversary ever. I even feel like crying from happiness, you know?
First of all, everyone was always together. Of course, sometimes we had parallel conversations, but still everyone sticked together. That almost never happens in a birthday party, especially when you don't know everyone from there. Marg and Inês had a tendency to isolate a little but still, I did my best to make them feel "at home". ~
Second, everyone but Joris bought me a gift, even if I said I didn't want anything. And I enjoyed them all, especially Rocha's stuff and Mariana's postal. I just adore to get postals with pretty stuff written on them in my birthday, it really makes me feel special.
Thiiiird! I feel like I'm in the clouds. And I mean it. Hearing something that is like a confession from someone that you already saw in another way and receiving a flower from him as well...I never received a flower before. Nor a panda hug from a boy. And he even said that he wanted me to tell him "so, thank you so much for your presence here today" like I told to Marg and he made me enter in my tsundere mode. So...I'm really happy. Even if it's just my mind being delusional as always.

And, the movie was really epic. "Jantar de Idiotas" rules, so suck it up if you think if fails. For me, it was just one of the best comedy movies I ever saw. Sitting with Cheila and Inês always makes my day, and if Carlos, Rocha, Sara, Mariana and Joris/Twin are there, it just gets even better.

So...I'm happy!
Seriously. I don't want this day to end. But even if it does...I will use this day to walk foward now. And I am so damn happy that I feel like screaming out that.




Ah, cold winter...even if just for one day, I can proudly say that I was able to be...

...

Just one week. It was just one week. And I think that it was one of the worst school weeks I ever had.
I am almost turning 16. And I never felt so sad about it.
I don't want to fall again, and yet I'm slowly falling. Hurray me, for being stupid enough for not being able to take it.
I feel like I'm turning a Daughter of Evil. And what's worse than that, is the fact that I regret being so evil towards some people that have absolutely no fault about everything that is happening.

...

...Winter, where are you when I need you? Bring me cold snow, sad rain and your vacations. Let me be alone in my room, hearing you and welcoming your arrival.

Enjoy the little things. Enjoy the little things. Enjoy the little things.
That echoes in my mind, and yet, I can't do it. Not anymore.
Little things aren't enough if you never get a "big thing". Always waiting for something that never arrives...I spent around 5 years like that. And next time I notice it, I will be a hag with 80 years (if we don't all die in 2012) that never got anything good, if this goes on.
Nobody cares. And neither should I.

...

White snow, cold snow. Cover everything in white and make our sad world become pure.

At the same time, I am afraid and I'm not. That I'll hit the bottom.
I don't want to be a meanie. I don't want to be alone anymore.
And at the same time, I want to. Because I've always been alone.

And everyone is leaving me behind. Over and over again.

Maybe I am too dramatic. Maybe I am a crybaby. Maybe I'm not as strong as some people think. Maybe I am stupid as hell.
Maybe I am everything evil that there is.

Mariana told me the other day that there is an English course that gives you a paper that allows you to live outside Portugal, proving that you are a fluent english-speaker. I really needed something like that, for my future.
And yet, I can't ask my parents the money for something like that. I can't ask them whenever it is...

....

So, winter...will you come to make this little daughter of evil wishes come true, and turn her into a daughter of white?

This is it. The path that has a fork in its way. In one way, you find happiness. In the other, you find death. And in the last one, you have sadness. That's where I am at, trying to find out which of the 3 is the correct one.
And I can't find myself to choose, because my chance of choosing the one that is happiness is less than 0,01%.

Dreams...? Where are they now...?
Blame the ones who crushed them. Now I don't have a reason to get up everyday.
And funny thing is, I am to blame as well, which just make this even worse. For insulting myself even more.

Me, a Daughter of White...? Haha, who am I trying to fool?
I even deserve claps for my stupidity. For being able to deceive me so well sometimes.

....
I am so sorry. So sorry, for making you two think that it's your fault...
Even if I say it a hundred times, it still wouldn't be enough.

And Sara...you're the thing that's holding me here. Because if I leave, you will leave right after me. I couldn't do something like-- with the burden of being responsible for your--

Close the world, open the next. That's why--

The key. Never lose it. Open. The next...

I just hope the next time I come here, it doesn't envolve any crying.