...I don't even know what I feel right now.
I wanted to be selfish and only worry about myself. I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be acknowledged. I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be hugged. I wanted to hear conforting words.

I wanted so many things.

And you know what I got in the end?
My stupid loneliness.
Over and over again, we end in the same way. I try to do everything by myself, I hide the things from the others, I act like I don't care when I actually do...I push others away.
And I end like this. Alone in a room with someone I can't see. Alone with my thoughts that nobody can understand. Alone with my tears while everyone acts like they haven't seen them.

Again and again.

This is so damn pathetic.

And here I am, whispering to myself that I won't give up. That I'm persistant. That I'm strong. That I'll get through this again.
Oh...of course I will.
I always find a way without having to worry others.
I always do.
And that's why I always feel like I am alone.

Why am I so generous? Why am I so unknown? Why am I so trashed? Why am I so dumb? Why am I so hurt?

Why does everyone tell me bad things that only make me feel worse about my stupidity?

Haha...I can't...seriously...take such thing...for much longer.
And if this goes on, I will be alone. Really alone.
I can't handle the other's comments, the other's truths, the other's words.
I would rather cut all my threads than be all alone and hurt alone. I would rather be alone and not hurt.

Who are you fooling...yourself?

One day, when I was having a smart conversation with a friend, she asked me if I could describe life in one word.
Do you know what I replied?
Unfair.
This is just a bunch of unfairness.
You know why...?

Because I know that I'm not that alone and still, I feel like I am the only person in the whole world.

Because most people get what they want. Because the dumb, selfish ones are the ones that get all they want.
Why can't I be like that, too?
Instead all I can do is be nice.

I think human beings are mostly naive. They believe life is just all about living the next day, forgetting to examine everything that's around them.
There are tons of stuff that normal people wouldn't notice if we didn't tell them about if.
And yet, those people are the ones who are happy.
Someone asked me once what should she do to be happy. I answered...
Enjoy the little things.
I...am doing that. I'm enjoying the little things.
But just by remembering how September and all of its shits are almost coming...it makes me want to stop time. It makes me want to run.
You can run all you want, but I will always catch you.
That's what bad fortune tells me. Or destiny, whatever you want to call it.

My birthday, school, facing people I don't want to, faking smiles, keeping myself cool while I want to burst out crying, being dragged by someone to somewhere I don't want to, family reunions...

I hate it. I hate it all.
I sometimes wished I wasn't born. That I was one of those little, unborn kids. And that some other kid would enjoy my life in my place, and be happy.
And I think that I never wished this much to be dead.

Shit happens, people! Don't fall, get up and fight even if everyone's your enemy! Work hard and you will be rewarded!

Total shit. Nobody will reward me. Shit doesn't happen, shit is my life.
Whatever...
After so many years like that, if I give up my pride will keep be ruined.
So, for the sake of my own pride...
I will keep on trying. On surviving.

Happiness...? I wonder what's that, kanna.
Sadness? That's my daily life.

Oh well. I haven't been this bad lately...I've been fine.
Or maybe, I was pretending I was fine.
I don't know anymore.
I just wish that I won't have to live alone in the future. That I will have someone to have lunch with me that doesn't piss me off by saying how useless I am. That I will have someone to share a bed with, that will say that it's okay when I wake up crying after a bad dream.
Is it too much to ask for...?

Shinobu. Kievoir, the Midnight Witch. Smartie. Bee. Hitsugaya. Sousei Seki.
All of those nicknames seem so far off now.
Bee and Kievoir is all that I listen nowadays.
I wished I could return to that time where everyone called me Hitsugaya, before most of them betrayed me.
Haha...I wished I hadn't feelings.

And until Augost 19th, when 2 years of that stupid sirgury have passed...
I can't expect myself to get any better.

Signed out...
Marta.