Shinobu here, looking at her drawings.
So, cherriuki from deviantart (which is, btw, my favourite artist EVER) has spoken to me. Okay, I spoke to her. But nevertheless, I found out that she's really nice, just as I thought she was. It's rare to see nice people that draw really well like she does in deviantart. Or in any other place in the world.
She was actually so nice that I even felt like drawing again. She's really a moral raiser, haha.
I'm willing to buy her artbook, even if I have to "sacrifice" my christmas presents to get it. Although I think getting artbooks is a waste of money for people like me, if you know what I mean, I also think that it's good to have something from someone you...worship, even if it's useless. Unless you are rich and are able to buy an artbook to rip off the pages and put them in your wall. But then again, we're talking about poor dudes, so...
Whatever. I am getting that artbook.
And I'm glad that she was happy when I complimented her. I thought she would see it like licking her boots or so. And I definitely didn't want someone like her to think such stupid thing.
(After all, I never licked someone's boots, so I don't even have an idea of how that's supposed to be done. Take that.)

To make me even more moody than the last entry, my PS2 doesn't play Xenosaga well, which is the game that I wanted to play. Good huh? I wonder why it never plays the game that I want to play.
Oh well...

Today Sara invited me to go with her and Ana for a walk and I refused. I refused my best friend. Do you know what that means?
Oh no, I'm not mad at her. Somehow. I just should be finishing my apply for Rin.
But guess what?
When I looked at the codes that I had to write, I just said ah, what the fuck and closed the wordpad. How great.

Mew's the thing that has made me happy this week. She came to visit on Saturday, and we found a story that we wrote when we met which was like, 4 years ago. Or, that we started, whatever.
Thing is, that story is so damn ridiculous that we are doing a parody video of it and putting it on youtube. Yep, that's right.
We are also thinking of doing a blog to put the original story, for you to read it and laugh a lot after that. (seriously, someone that reads that piece of crap and doesn't laugh has some mental disorder troubles.)
I'm also sleeping over her house next weekend. Is it weird that I'm nervous because I never slept in someone's house, other than my brother's/aunt's? I, uh, am weird. *facepalm*
But, returning to the story thingy, I am hoping to see you there, on youtube and on the blog. You can either tell us that we suck or that we are great and awesome, we really do appreciate. We also would appreciate if you would pass around the love and show the video to everyone you know~
Oh, but of course. The blog and the video will be in portuguese. My english accent is a failure. I don't know about Mew's, but whatever.

That whole Grande C thing still makes me down. But...I am practising like I said I would. Really.
So, new short-story in Nyah! Fanfiction and all. Mindfuck, bloody, twisted and whatever dark words are there to describe something.
I wonder if I can really do this, though.

Do you know what I also wonder if I can do? Be a nurse.
In the 3rd term, I decided that I wanted to be a nurse. So, I started to study in the little time that I had left to finish with a overall 14. Okay, my work paid off, 'cause now I have in my hands the chances to be a nurse.
And so, all of my thoughts during vacations have been invaded with stuff like "I have to work hard next year, so I can pull off a 16" and "if I can do it, everyone will shallow their bad words about me" and whatever so.
Look at the day. Did you look at it? 16th Augost. Which means, in a month, school starts.
And...I'm getting desperate. I'm doubting about my abilities, again. "Will I be able to pull it out? Will I be able to keep studying and trying, even when other things push me down as always?"
I won't give up, still. Even if I know I'm going to have blood troubles when I enter the university.

Some of my classmates are starting to speak again with me, like "how are your vacations going? I miss everybody" and whatever so. And that is freaking me out.
I...don't miss them. No, not at all.
I did miss them in the beginning...it was hard to think that 10º6 as we knew it, was over.
Bruno, Patrícia, Marta and Inês, leaving. Stupid insane bitch whose name I can't even remember, joining our class.
There is some stuff that I don't want to see. I've been having so many troubles that I had to stay strong to go through that I still hadn't enough time to get in mind everything that is coming in September.
I hope that the month that I have left will be enough for that. I really do.

Three days. Three days...
On Thursday, I don't know if I will be reachable. I doubt I'll answer calls and even login to msn. I don't want to see anyone on that day. In fact, if it depended on me, I would sleep the whole day.
Let's just hope something good happens, just like the last year, when I was hanging with my friends. This time I won't be able to hang out with anyone that it is, but if at least a little, good thing happens...I will be grateful. Really.
Now that I look back and see that the sirgury happened already two years ago, I wonder why do I remember everything like it was yesterday. I don't care about the scar I have in the back...I just want my mind's scar to close and its pain to pause for a little while. Even if it stays scarred forever, as long as it stops bleeding...I will be fine. 'cause that's what I always do alone.
And when I'm wondering this kind of things, I also wonder how would everything be if I died in the surgury. Would someone that I helped feel more miserable, because I wasn't there to help when I did? Would my friends and family still remember me and cherish me? Or would I just have been forgotten?
There are so many questions that I will never find the answer to. But even if just for a little bit...
It does confort me to think that maybe someone would be griving over my death, showing that they actually cared.

Barney Stinson's actor, aka Neil Patrick Harris, is gay. When I found out I was like wtf?! He and Ted, both from How I met your mother, were my favourite characters in the cast of the whole series. Barney is just...the male more male that you could ever wish for, and Ted is...all nice, cute and other stuff. But, this isn't about Ted, so. *cough*
I will even admit that I had a time where I was fashinated by Barney. No, seriously. He was one of my few "idol crushes" when I was young. Okay, more young than I am now.
He could at least be bi, I mean...
Oh well. I guess that now, the male definition in the world is someone like Justin Bieber. Just the thought of being someone like him makes me want to throw all over.
Barney, Ted and all of my other idols...where are you and your old school attitude to save us from this decaying world?

I'm thinking of spreading around my Nyah! Fanfiction link or putting my stuff in a blog, and ignore if everyone starts joking about me being sensitive and writing or whatever so. I do need to pass around the "love" and stuff, or else I'll be an old lady, living with her dogs and eagerly waiting to get a review.
Most of the writters that are known now were famous before, even if for a random reason. If I want to succeed in this decaying society, I guess that's my only shot then.
Write, write write. Post, post, post. Spread, spread, spread. And wait for an editor to find me and love me lots.

My nicknames list will be as huge as my targeting list if this goes on. But, at least I'm happy with this.
Oh well, this is goodbye for now.

Buh-bye~!

And remember to support me in any way. Even if you suck at words to tell me how to improve and how much I suck, you can always give me money. I accept everything!
(unless it's something ridiculously stupid that would make me look at you with a "wtf?" face.)

Signed out while trying to become a better writter,
Marta, the Ace of Spades. ~

...I don't even know what I feel right now.
I wanted to be selfish and only worry about myself. I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be acknowledged. I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be hugged. I wanted to hear conforting words.

I wanted so many things.

And you know what I got in the end?
My stupid loneliness.
Over and over again, we end in the same way. I try to do everything by myself, I hide the things from the others, I act like I don't care when I actually do...I push others away.
And I end like this. Alone in a room with someone I can't see. Alone with my thoughts that nobody can understand. Alone with my tears while everyone acts like they haven't seen them.

Again and again.

This is so damn pathetic.

And here I am, whispering to myself that I won't give up. That I'm persistant. That I'm strong. That I'll get through this again.
Oh...of course I will.
I always find a way without having to worry others.
I always do.
And that's why I always feel like I am alone.

Why am I so generous? Why am I so unknown? Why am I so trashed? Why am I so dumb? Why am I so hurt?

Why does everyone tell me bad things that only make me feel worse about my stupidity?

Haha...I can't...seriously...take such thing...for much longer.
And if this goes on, I will be alone. Really alone.
I can't handle the other's comments, the other's truths, the other's words.
I would rather cut all my threads than be all alone and hurt alone. I would rather be alone and not hurt.

Who are you fooling...yourself?

One day, when I was having a smart conversation with a friend, she asked me if I could describe life in one word.
Do you know what I replied?
Unfair.
This is just a bunch of unfairness.
You know why...?

Because I know that I'm not that alone and still, I feel like I am the only person in the whole world.

Because most people get what they want. Because the dumb, selfish ones are the ones that get all they want.
Why can't I be like that, too?
Instead all I can do is be nice.

I think human beings are mostly naive. They believe life is just all about living the next day, forgetting to examine everything that's around them.
There are tons of stuff that normal people wouldn't notice if we didn't tell them about if.
And yet, those people are the ones who are happy.
Someone asked me once what should she do to be happy. I answered...
Enjoy the little things.
I...am doing that. I'm enjoying the little things.
But just by remembering how September and all of its shits are almost coming...it makes me want to stop time. It makes me want to run.
You can run all you want, but I will always catch you.
That's what bad fortune tells me. Or destiny, whatever you want to call it.

My birthday, school, facing people I don't want to, faking smiles, keeping myself cool while I want to burst out crying, being dragged by someone to somewhere I don't want to, family reunions...

I hate it. I hate it all.
I sometimes wished I wasn't born. That I was one of those little, unborn kids. And that some other kid would enjoy my life in my place, and be happy.
And I think that I never wished this much to be dead.

Shit happens, people! Don't fall, get up and fight even if everyone's your enemy! Work hard and you will be rewarded!

Total shit. Nobody will reward me. Shit doesn't happen, shit is my life.
Whatever...
After so many years like that, if I give up my pride will keep be ruined.
So, for the sake of my own pride...
I will keep on trying. On surviving.

Happiness...? I wonder what's that, kanna.
Sadness? That's my daily life.

Oh well. I haven't been this bad lately...I've been fine.
Or maybe, I was pretending I was fine.
I don't know anymore.
I just wish that I won't have to live alone in the future. That I will have someone to have lunch with me that doesn't piss me off by saying how useless I am. That I will have someone to share a bed with, that will say that it's okay when I wake up crying after a bad dream.
Is it too much to ask for...?

Shinobu. Kievoir, the Midnight Witch. Smartie. Bee. Hitsugaya. Sousei Seki.
All of those nicknames seem so far off now.
Bee and Kievoir is all that I listen nowadays.
I wished I could return to that time where everyone called me Hitsugaya, before most of them betrayed me.
Haha...I wished I hadn't feelings.

And until Augost 19th, when 2 years of that stupid sirgury have passed...
I can't expect myself to get any better.

Signed out...
Marta.