Shinobu here, in a nervous mode. ~
Oh, did I just say nervous?
I meant really nervous.
Do you want my advice? Never tell your parents when a result for something important is coming out. They will put pressure on you!
Grande C's results are coming out next week, at 15th. I was already trying not to think about this, but then, guess what happened...


See? That's why I hate to tell something to anybody that it is.
People put too much hope on me. I'm not that good, please understand that...
I'm just above average. And no, don't you tell me that I'm wrong and that I pwn it all.
Seriously, dude. I miss the good, ol' criticism. Is it so hard for people to tell me that I suck?
This makes me feel way too confident. And when I lose Grande C, I know that it still won't be a good evidence for everybody. They will just say that it's bad luck or whatever so.
Damn you, for being too nice. Damn me, for being too auto-critic.
Damn me...

You know what is making me sad today, besides those weird questions that are around in my mind?
Some random couple that lives in the building right in front of my window has a cat. The cat is always walking in the window and then he "meows" when he can't get inside the house.
The owners? Ignore.
The cat? Tries to enter alone and risks himself to fall off a 9th floor.
Do you know what happened today?
The cat fell.
The cat died.
And I'm sad.
Fuck, if you don't know how to treat an animal, don't buy one!
I so wished that the stupid owners were at home when the poor kitty fell. Too bad that they weren't, so they can't feel guilty. Well, at least they can feel guilty for always leaving the window opened without caring for the kitty.
I just hope that next week, I won't see another kitty in that window. If I do...damn.

Picturing an animal's death makes me far more sad than a human's. We deserve the death's punishment in the end. After all, we just exist to kill animals in order to eat. To turn the whole blue planet into a black planet.
Yes, I'm really pissed. But wouldn't you be, with so many things going on?

Well, other thing that is bothering me is a dream that I had yesterday.
I'm just going to say that it was...terrifying. I'm so glad that Eduardo-nii-san woke me up to have lunch.
I wonder if I will be able to sleep today normally after it. I...just...darn. I'm too scared of walking to the bathroom that is right beside my room in the night after this.
Okay, true, I was always afraid of dark. But at least I could walk to the bathroom...
To be blunt, I'm even afraid to be alone in my room.
But it's okay, it's just a dream. If the good dreams never come true, then neither do the bad ones.
...right?
Going through a situation like the one I went in the dream is impossible. But losing everybody like I did...
I wonder why does my brain tend to show me that I am alone when I already said...
I don't want to be alone anymore.

I've...made up my mind this time.
Remember Lemuria and all of its glory?
It's on standby. I need to get some fresh ideas for it.
(that's what you get when school takes your time to write: a writer's block for the story you were developing)
I'm starting to write down my ideas for my other book. I won't write the book now, though.
I still have too much to improve, too much to learn.
Shit, I wonder when the hell will I be good enough.
If I want to be remembered, I can't just go around writing like a kiddo like I do now.
Fuck this, fuck me! <~ Colombus ♥

So, jumping over to Trickster, as usual, I was thinking about what kind of fuses would I buy. My "Marida" was thinking to get fuses with Lagi's outfit colours (like red and black) and I was thinking to get blue and white cutie fuses. But guess what!
Kiev (or Kievoir, whatever), my awesome sheep, is a Witch. A Fire/Thunder and Dark Witch.
Did you get my point?
Basically, I'm too pwnsome to be all fluffy. Okay, maybe not.
So I decided to get red and white fuses. Vampires stuff, if you know what I mean.
Imagine that. A Witch that resembles a sheep and that is a vampire. (It reminds me of my "new" book, taking out the sheep part. *coughs*)
Way too good, I know.
But what is weird here is my wish to be a vampire myself. I mean, as Shinobu, Marta, Hitsugaya or whatever so, not as Kiev. I mean...

~I sleep during the day and I'm awake all night long. Or at least until dad gets up.
~Although I'm afraid of blood, I do tend to put my wounds on the mouth to stop the blood from coming out. And although blood is salty, it doesn't taste bad.
~I have a tooth that ressembles vampire's teeth.
~I am almost pale. That's what I get for not going to beach. It's been 3 years since I've been there...
~I love the rain, and I hate the sun. I feel sick just by watching sunlight.

Weird huh? I don't know why the hell did I start thinking something like that. But oh well. I can always pretend that I am a vampire that doesn't drink blood. Or I'll just forget it.

Dream, dream, dream. That's all that I've been doing.
Creating a fairytale, picturing a pretty world...
I know that I can't do that forever. I should stop hiding and face truth: life won't be nearly as good as I want it to be.
But for now, I need time. Time to recover all the strenght that I wasted this year.
With school, with new friendships, with life.
With my fake smiles.
Believe it, I do want to stop smiling when I am sad. It's very hard to fake that you are all happy when you are dying inside.
But then again, my concern about the others comes back. I am afraid that if I show that I'm sad, they will feel sad like I do when I see them down.
I always knew I need to think more about me than others, and yet, I still fail.

It's funny.

I laugh at people's fails in failblog and I myself am a failure.

Maybe it's time for me to settle down. Maybe I have to think more than I thought I had to...

Buh-bye~

Signing out while looking around the room for mystic stuff,
Shinobu. ~