Haha...
You know what's worse than being sad?
Having to fake that you are happy.
So, I went to see Grande C's result in Sara's house, after waiting 2 weeks.
I lost.
Okay, so no big deal, you can always try later again, there are lots of opportunities...
You are so damn wrong.
Do you remember when I said that this wouldn't be enough to prove everyone just how much I suck?
It wasn't, of course. People keep saying futile things, thinking that they will make us happier.
Well, you don't. You can't make me happy by saying I can always try again.
Do you want to make me happy? Don't ignore the tears I'm trying to hide. Hug me instead of saying stupid things.
Don't tell me that I can try again...
How can people even think that they make the others feel better by saying things like that? It's pure bullshit.
I can't try again. I won't try again.
I am going to practise until I can't take it anymore. I won't be participating in any damn competitions where the winners don't deserve the first prize.
And I'm not ranting about myself. I'm ranting about everyone. Go there and check the media files and see if the morons that won deserved it with those horrible covers.
And I will laugh as hell when I see my books published and the letters telling me to go on, just like J. K. Rowling and the stupid Stephanie Meyer do. (I can't believe I just put the great J. K. Rowling in a sentence with Stephanie Meyer, other than "Stephanie Meyer can NEVER be as good as J. K. Rowling".)

Who am I fooling...?

Hard work never pays off. Me and senpai are both very aware of that.
So what was the purpose of all the nights that I spent without having time to sleep, in order to finish the text to send to Grande C and the school works? What was the purpose of developing a good story that would be small enough to fill 30 pages?
What was the purpose of everything I did up until now?
I can't be imortal as Luís de Camões. Einstein. Neil Armstrong.
I can't...
And even if one should move on with their lives while their dreams are crushed...
I'm not quite sure if I want to see what I always was afraid of. That all my dreams would be crushed.
Kazuma, Kazuma...where are you when I need you, Kazuma?


I am so crying now. And the weather's not helping at all.
All of this heat...is killing me.
And you know what is also killing me?
The fact that Marta wants to drag me with her in vacations.
I've already told her I can't go, I don't have the money to. Still, she keeeeeps insisting and insisting and insisting.
My mom even told me "Marta, I thought we were done with that.", geez. Why can't she understand that I can't go?
But even if just for once, I would like to go. To go outside. To leave this place.
To be alone, just for a little while...


I am getting away from people again. It's my own "anti-social" way of being.
When people cross my feelings line and see a little of what I really am, I push them away.
Why can't I have a normal friendship, without ruining it?
...I guess that's what I get when I'm not normal.
Ne, Marida, Lagi or whatever so...
Thanks. Thanks for playing with me in Trickster. Thanks for reading my stories and giving me reviews to make me feel better. Thanks for telling me that we only met because you read one of my stories that you loved.
Thanks for being my own, special Marida in your own way.
Sara...Senpai...Suisei-chan...Mei-chan...Mini-Mew...
The distance that separates most of us is as huge as the ocean. And yet, I don't even have words that are good enough to express everything to you. All that you made me cry, all that you made me laugh, all that you said. No matter how many times I would say thank you, it still wouldn't be enough. It didn't matter if I was smiling or crying, you would kindly be there for me, always.
Always.
So, please...even if I ever fail to one of you...remember.
Thanks for everything.


...that's it.
I will be returning to my reading and Trickster, now.

Signed out while covering her face to prevent her family to see her tears,
Shinobu.