Haha...
You know what's worse than being sad?
Having to fake that you are happy.
So, I went to see Grande C's result in Sara's house, after waiting 2 weeks.
I lost.
Okay, so no big deal, you can always try later again, there are lots of opportunities...
You are so damn wrong.
Do you remember when I said that this wouldn't be enough to prove everyone just how much I suck?
It wasn't, of course. People keep saying futile things, thinking that they will make us happier.
Well, you don't. You can't make me happy by saying I can always try again.
Do you want to make me happy? Don't ignore the tears I'm trying to hide. Hug me instead of saying stupid things.
Don't tell me that I can try again...
How can people even think that they make the others feel better by saying things like that? It's pure bullshit.
I can't try again. I won't try again.
I am going to practise until I can't take it anymore. I won't be participating in any damn competitions where the winners don't deserve the first prize.
And I'm not ranting about myself. I'm ranting about everyone. Go there and check the media files and see if the morons that won deserved it with those horrible covers.
And I will laugh as hell when I see my books published and the letters telling me to go on, just like J. K. Rowling and the stupid Stephanie Meyer do. (I can't believe I just put the great J. K. Rowling in a sentence with Stephanie Meyer, other than "Stephanie Meyer can NEVER be as good as J. K. Rowling".)

Who am I fooling...?

Hard work never pays off. Me and senpai are both very aware of that.
So what was the purpose of all the nights that I spent without having time to sleep, in order to finish the text to send to Grande C and the school works? What was the purpose of developing a good story that would be small enough to fill 30 pages?
What was the purpose of everything I did up until now?
I can't be imortal as Luís de Camões. Einstein. Neil Armstrong.
I can't...
And even if one should move on with their lives while their dreams are crushed...
I'm not quite sure if I want to see what I always was afraid of. That all my dreams would be crushed.
Kazuma, Kazuma...where are you when I need you, Kazuma?


I am so crying now. And the weather's not helping at all.
All of this heat...is killing me.
And you know what is also killing me?
The fact that Marta wants to drag me with her in vacations.
I've already told her I can't go, I don't have the money to. Still, she keeeeeps insisting and insisting and insisting.
My mom even told me "Marta, I thought we were done with that.", geez. Why can't she understand that I can't go?
But even if just for once, I would like to go. To go outside. To leave this place.
To be alone, just for a little while...


I am getting away from people again. It's my own "anti-social" way of being.
When people cross my feelings line and see a little of what I really am, I push them away.
Why can't I have a normal friendship, without ruining it?
...I guess that's what I get when I'm not normal.
Ne, Marida, Lagi or whatever so...
Thanks. Thanks for playing with me in Trickster. Thanks for reading my stories and giving me reviews to make me feel better. Thanks for telling me that we only met because you read one of my stories that you loved.
Thanks for being my own, special Marida in your own way.
Sara...Senpai...Suisei-chan...Mei-chan...Mini-Mew...
The distance that separates most of us is as huge as the ocean. And yet, I don't even have words that are good enough to express everything to you. All that you made me cry, all that you made me laugh, all that you said. No matter how many times I would say thank you, it still wouldn't be enough. It didn't matter if I was smiling or crying, you would kindly be there for me, always.
Always.
So, please...even if I ever fail to one of you...remember.
Thanks for everything.


...that's it.
I will be returning to my reading and Trickster, now.

Signed out while covering her face to prevent her family to see her tears,
Shinobu.

Shinobu here, in a nervous mode. ~
Oh, did I just say nervous?
I meant really nervous.
Do you want my advice? Never tell your parents when a result for something important is coming out. They will put pressure on you!
Grande C's results are coming out next week, at 15th. I was already trying not to think about this, but then, guess what happened...


See? That's why I hate to tell something to anybody that it is.
People put too much hope on me. I'm not that good, please understand that...
I'm just above average. And no, don't you tell me that I'm wrong and that I pwn it all.
Seriously, dude. I miss the good, ol' criticism. Is it so hard for people to tell me that I suck?
This makes me feel way too confident. And when I lose Grande C, I know that it still won't be a good evidence for everybody. They will just say that it's bad luck or whatever so.
Damn you, for being too nice. Damn me, for being too auto-critic.
Damn me...

You know what is making me sad today, besides those weird questions that are around in my mind?
Some random couple that lives in the building right in front of my window has a cat. The cat is always walking in the window and then he "meows" when he can't get inside the house.
The owners? Ignore.
The cat? Tries to enter alone and risks himself to fall off a 9th floor.
Do you know what happened today?
The cat fell.
The cat died.
And I'm sad.
Fuck, if you don't know how to treat an animal, don't buy one!
I so wished that the stupid owners were at home when the poor kitty fell. Too bad that they weren't, so they can't feel guilty. Well, at least they can feel guilty for always leaving the window opened without caring for the kitty.
I just hope that next week, I won't see another kitty in that window. If I do...damn.

Picturing an animal's death makes me far more sad than a human's. We deserve the death's punishment in the end. After all, we just exist to kill animals in order to eat. To turn the whole blue planet into a black planet.
Yes, I'm really pissed. But wouldn't you be, with so many things going on?

Well, other thing that is bothering me is a dream that I had yesterday.
I'm just going to say that it was...terrifying. I'm so glad that Eduardo-nii-san woke me up to have lunch.
I wonder if I will be able to sleep today normally after it. I...just...darn. I'm too scared of walking to the bathroom that is right beside my room in the night after this.
Okay, true, I was always afraid of dark. But at least I could walk to the bathroom...
To be blunt, I'm even afraid to be alone in my room.
But it's okay, it's just a dream. If the good dreams never come true, then neither do the bad ones.
...right?
Going through a situation like the one I went in the dream is impossible. But losing everybody like I did...
I wonder why does my brain tend to show me that I am alone when I already said...
I don't want to be alone anymore.

I've...made up my mind this time.
Remember Lemuria and all of its glory?
It's on standby. I need to get some fresh ideas for it.
(that's what you get when school takes your time to write: a writer's block for the story you were developing)
I'm starting to write down my ideas for my other book. I won't write the book now, though.
I still have too much to improve, too much to learn.
Shit, I wonder when the hell will I be good enough.
If I want to be remembered, I can't just go around writing like a kiddo like I do now.
Fuck this, fuck me! <~ Colombus ♥

So, jumping over to Trickster, as usual, I was thinking about what kind of fuses would I buy. My "Marida" was thinking to get fuses with Lagi's outfit colours (like red and black) and I was thinking to get blue and white cutie fuses. But guess what!
Kiev (or Kievoir, whatever), my awesome sheep, is a Witch. A Fire/Thunder and Dark Witch.
Did you get my point?
Basically, I'm too pwnsome to be all fluffy. Okay, maybe not.
So I decided to get red and white fuses. Vampires stuff, if you know what I mean.
Imagine that. A Witch that resembles a sheep and that is a vampire. (It reminds me of my "new" book, taking out the sheep part. *coughs*)
Way too good, I know.
But what is weird here is my wish to be a vampire myself. I mean, as Shinobu, Marta, Hitsugaya or whatever so, not as Kiev. I mean...

~I sleep during the day and I'm awake all night long. Or at least until dad gets up.
~Although I'm afraid of blood, I do tend to put my wounds on the mouth to stop the blood from coming out. And although blood is salty, it doesn't taste bad.
~I have a tooth that ressembles vampire's teeth.
~I am almost pale. That's what I get for not going to beach. It's been 3 years since I've been there...
~I love the rain, and I hate the sun. I feel sick just by watching sunlight.

Weird huh? I don't know why the hell did I start thinking something like that. But oh well. I can always pretend that I am a vampire that doesn't drink blood. Or I'll just forget it.

Dream, dream, dream. That's all that I've been doing.
Creating a fairytale, picturing a pretty world...
I know that I can't do that forever. I should stop hiding and face truth: life won't be nearly as good as I want it to be.
But for now, I need time. Time to recover all the strenght that I wasted this year.
With school, with new friendships, with life.
With my fake smiles.
Believe it, I do want to stop smiling when I am sad. It's very hard to fake that you are all happy when you are dying inside.
But then again, my concern about the others comes back. I am afraid that if I show that I'm sad, they will feel sad like I do when I see them down.
I always knew I need to think more about me than others, and yet, I still fail.

It's funny.

I laugh at people's fails in failblog and I myself am a failure.

Maybe it's time for me to settle down. Maybe I have to think more than I thought I had to...

Buh-bye~

Signing out while looking around the room for mystic stuff,
Shinobu. ~

Shinobu here, with teary eyes. ~
No, nothing happened. The reason why I can't hold tears is because I've been thinking about too many things. Like, what's the meaning of life, is it wise for me to study if I'm going to forget everything when I die or even why do people keep hiding in fairytales.
But what really made me cry wasn't the fact that I still don't know the answers. It was Suisei-chan. I wasn't expecting her to try to support me with all her will while I was crying.

Memorize it.
It makes me sad to see people that do that. But what makes me even sadder, is to watch me doing that.

Well then. Next (good grief. Edu follows me even in my blog!) is The Phantom Agony. Just posting the second part of the song, as the other part doesn't matter to this.



Those lyrics are more than enough to show what I'm currently wondering about. Of course, there are other questions on my mind, but...oh well.

I'm ending this post now, before I get even more teary or I start spouting the things that are on my mind now.

Buh-bye~, minna-san. Don't forget to sleep early instead of 5AM like I do.

Signing out while taking prints of Kara no Kyoukai 4,
Shinobu. ~

Shinobu here, in a somehow weird mode. ~
You see, I went to answer some stuff in my formsprings. And you know what is bothering me?
I changed. I mean, it's not bad. I'm more...cool.
And that makes me happy. Is it weird to be happy for something so trivial? Oh well.

You know what happened on Tuesday? Rocha didn't make it, which means we were three. And what was even worse?
Nightmare in Elm Street was deleted from the cinema. Puff.
So we decided to go to Colombo. But then Bruno just had the brilliant idea to make us go to Dolce Vita. Did you know that I hate Dolce Vita? Well, now you do. It's just the most fucked up mall ever. I wonder why do people love it so much. It's near all the nigas/thieves/homeless!