terça-feira, 18 de outubro de 2011
What is life, anymore?

I thought I was getting better for a change. Because this is the last year at school, I thought I would be able to go through it. That I could be strong again, after all this time.
I guess I was wrong.
It's like, while you feel better, it still aches inside. And you start to close yourself all of a sudden again, because you hate yourself for letting everyone know how you felt. For being so weak.
And when you notice, you are at the bottom again.

Yeah, maybe one of our only reasons to be alive are friends and family. But when you lose your friends, what are you supposed to do? Be happy that you got to meet such wonderful persons?
That is pure bullshit.
I guess I am, indeed, stupid like everyone tells me I am. After all, I am stupid enough to not be able to move on without remembering her smile, her laugh, her tears, her little quirks...everything she did. And everyone moves on, and tells me that I am a moron to keep thinking about her.
I just can't.
Even if it has been over an year, I still miss her like I missed her one year ago. Is it so bad of me to wish she was right here with me?
I am sorry I can't be the one you all want me to be. I am not smart, I am not pretty, I am not nice, I am nothing good at all. I am just myself. And that should be enough.
But enough isn't enough, nowadays...

"There's always something worth living for!"

Such fake, empty words.
I guess that it is my sin, after all, to be the princess of omission. No matter how much people would ask, I would always say I was fine...always, always.
What the hell is fine, anyway...? My heart only knows despair ever since I can remember.

...I just can't do this anymore. Is there any way for me to quit life and make it look like an accident...?

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
This is another cruel joke life has played. And I, being as weak as I am, was not able to take it.
But it doesn't matter...it never did, to anyone.
If by any slight chance I end up hurting anyone that it is...
I am so, so sorry.

Goodbye.

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12:37

sábado, 1 de janeiro de 2011
Rachel Alucard from BlazBlue is the most badass vampire ever. And RachelxRagna is just epic win. ♥

Without even noticing, Christmas and 2010 went by. The 24th of December was one of the worst days I had gone through in the whole year. Eduardo-nii-san and JP-nii-san argued a lot.
To simply put it, in the end everyone but David-nii-san was crying and Eduardo-nii-san went to try to suicide. How great.

But that's not why I am here today. Even though I am late, I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
And ironically, today it's the 1st January of 2011 and I'm crying. A lot.

There was once a time where my mind went into pure disaster. I wanted to die so badly I almost suicided if my mother hadn't arrived home. I wanted to do a massacre with everyone I hated, and in order to prevent myself of doing such a thing, I thought that dying was the best way to save everyone.

And then one day, I just woke up. I slapped myself in the face and told myself that I needed to be strong, to stop acting like a crybaby.

Everything seemed to be fine. I was back and I was that strong, manish Marta that everyone knew. No tears were spotted since then, and the smile wasn't fake anymore.
And then, the months started to go by. When I noticed, I had to face a new school, a new class. I started to go down again. But then, after I met everyone I was really happy. It felt like that was the class that I always wanted to have, but that was nonexistant.

Then it happened. I started to like someone and I was in heaven, like everyone in love usually is. Things were starting to be awful around my house in that time, but I thought "if I get up tomorrow, I'll be able to see him, so let's try hard" and everything would be okay. I could bear with the pain, because I had something to hold on. A support.

And then, I got rejected. My support scattered and so did my dreams, when I finally noticed how...dreamy they were. All I wanted to do, everything I had fought for...they were all dreams that couldn't be fufilled.

Writing a book. Making a manga/anime. Cosplaying. Being a nurse/doctor/cook. Learning any martial art. Going to Japan, England and Germany. Meeting Suisei-chan, Mari and Lê-chan. Start my own family. Work in a maid cafe. Adopt a child. Have a dog. Learning the American and British accent.

I finally got back into the ground, and started to notice how pathetic I was. Living my life while holding myself to things that weren't real. And then, I went below the ground and started to feel useless, more than I already used to.

So, I tried to find another support to get back to the ground. And once again, I was able to keep myself "okay". I wasn't as happy as I was before, but I wasn't sad neither. All of my sadness was being overcomed with the new support I had found.

Until I lost my support again. And things just got worse and worse here at home.

I've lost a dear friend. And that was exactly the last drop I needed to fill my patience bucket.

I went really deep into the ground. My smile wasn't that bright smile that I was happy to have - it was a fake one. My tears were in my eyes everyday as soon as I got home after school. I would pretend to be sick just to stay home and avoid seeing anybody from the school. I stopped to care and my grades dropped.

And then, everyone started to tell me that I was a lazyass. That my grades were that low because a) I played too much instead of studying or b) I was dumb. That my job is studying and nothing else.

I started to realize around that time that feelings don't matter. What they wanted was me to have good grades, even if that meant that I had to be empty inside.

So I threw away my emotions. I faked them, I didn't have them. But the pain started to be too big for me to throw it away. And then I realized there was no use. I couldn't get rid of my emotions with everything that was happening.

I then began my search for a new support. Someone that would be able to keep me alive and not just surviving. And even though I tried, all of the supports seemed to be too weak to save me from drowning into darkness.

And now, here I am. Still looking for a support. There is someone who might prove to be a good support if I am willing to try hard.

Now the trouble is to find the will.

I just want to die right away. To leave it all behind. To never have to face people arguing with me like everything was my fault...

Like I am the one to blame for everything.

I wonder why is my aunt so sick while I'm the one who wants to die. Maybe I should be the one that should be sick. And if I died, there would be more money in the house because I wouldn't eat nor waste water/gas/electricity. Mom wouldn't have to wash clothes so many times nor save money to buy me clothes.

There are 1000 reasons why I should disappear.

But then, I always remember something that I used to whisper to myself...

If there are 1000 reasons for you to die...find 1001 reasons for you to live.

I...want to find them. I really do. But they seem so far away now. I can barely say 10 reasons why should I be alive, hence 1001.

But I will try. This time, for me. I'll use the rest of the strenght I have to try to make this year something memorable and not so bad as 2010.

And maybe then...I'll be able to smile again.

Cheers, everyone. May the 2011 be everything you always wished for.


Signed out,
Shinobu, the Ace of Spades. ~

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19:04

domingo, 7 de novembro de 2010
"No amount of masks can portray my true emotion." ♥

There are tons of reasons that brought me here. However, today I will only talk about something.

Sometimes I wonder how mutable the human being is. One day we're fine in the lessons, chatting with our friends, enjoying the breaks and sleeping in classes. The next day, we push everyone aside and make everyone around us sad. It doesn't matter how one is in its good and bad days. Sometimes it is taken to an extreme point, where people either suicide or kill someone. But that is not my point.

Being able to create a life is a miracle. And yet, being able to take a life is a disaster, a sin. Why is that?
Some people support the right to live. And therefore, some support the right to die.
While some support that everyone should have the right to suicide, others think that it's running away. That you are not getting rid of your troubles, but just putting them in the back of the ones that care about you.
However...

Is it moral to ask to someone that can't keep up with the pain of life to stay in this world?

Some think it is, others think it isn't. It depends on the way of one seeing the world.
And then, the arguments start. The ones that agree versus the ones that don't agree. And the friends, the family, and the guilt, being placed upon them.
Some can't continue their lives with the guilt. Some put it behind their backs and ignore it.
And yet, nobody understands why did he/she suicide.

They interrogate their friends, their family. And everyone says that they didn't notice anything weird. In fact, in the cases where someone noticed that something was going on, that person is usually blamed. Everyone gives that person their share of guilt, making his/her life unbearable. And then, we trigger another suicide situation. And that will keep the cicle flowing.

Some understand what does one think before suiciding, others don't. That's the way it is, the human being.

Unstable. Mutable.

And yet...the arguing still keeps on going.

RIP Ade.


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14:53

segunda-feira, 11 de outubro de 2010
I think my friend said, "Don't forget the video."
I think my friend said, "Don't forget to smile."
"You're a murder tamp, murder tramp", I think he siad.
"You're a murder boy, birthday boy", I think I said. ♪

I can't wait for December. In fact, I can't wait for the day I leave school forever and I never have to look to any of my friend's face.
Whenever I say something about my health, they just look at me like a) I'm just acting to get attention or b) they feel sorry for me. I hate that kind of stuff.
When someone talks, what they really want is someone to listen to their troubles and not someone to look at them sadly. Okay, don't look away neither. But just be there and at least pretend that you are listening.

So, my back is worse. And now I have such big, damn tremors in my hand that I can't even draw/play volley. I'm such a sucker. I might even need a new sirgury. And I just know I can't take it psycologicoly, I would rather die.
I don't know. The other day, when I came from the appointment with the doctor I just...walked endlessly in the rain. To put it out bluntly, I even thought of going to the school and say my goodbyes.
You don't know how much I wished that I could be a little normal that it was. Being in perfect health condition, being at least average at PE, being able to be a girl without my shitty attitude...
Being able of not thinking about massacres and smiling.

I don't want to be delusional. I don't want to end up hurting someone.
So I've been thinking..maybe I should hurt myself for good, so that I wouldn't hurt anyone else.
I...if only I didn't know how school is important...I would seriously close myself in my room.

For only one freaking month, let that stupid school close. Let me be alone in my room. Let me be...

Today I even went to the bathroom alone. I closed the door and I sat on the floor, while looking at my trembling hand and feeling the tears roll down my face.
Life will never be fair, so enjoy the little things.
I...want my rewards now. I don't want to wait anymore.

I don't want to hurt anybody else. And I keep taking this path, this time I'll hurt them even more.
Even if it isn't true, I can't avoid singing...

I'm a murder tramp, birthday girl, I think I said.

And if that time comes...

Happy Dead Birthday, I will say.

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11:39

domingo, 26 de setembro de 2010
This was one of my favourite gifts. Thank you, Rocha! ♥

Shinobu over here, really happy.
This was the best anniversary ever. I even feel like crying from happiness, you know?
First of all, everyone was always together. Of course, sometimes we had parallel conversations, but still everyone sticked together. That almost never happens in a birthday party, especially when you don't know everyone from there. Marg and Inês had a tendency to isolate a little but still, I did my best to make them feel "at home". ~
Second, everyone but Joris bought me a gift, even if I said I didn't want anything. And I enjoyed them all, especially Rocha's stuff and Mariana's postal. I just adore to get postals with pretty stuff written on them in my birthday, it really makes me feel special.
Thiiiird! I feel like I'm in the clouds. And I mean it. Hearing something that is like a confession from someone that you already saw in another way and receiving a flower from him as well...I never received a flower before. Nor a panda hug from a boy. And he even said that he wanted me to tell him "so, thank you so much for your presence here today" like I told to Marg and he made me enter in my tsundere mode. So...I'm really happy. Even if it's just my mind being delusional as always.

And, the movie was really epic. "Jantar de Idiotas" rules, so suck it up if you think if fails. For me, it was just one of the best comedy movies I ever saw. Sitting with Cheila and Inês always makes my day, and if Carlos, Rocha, Sara, Mariana and Joris/Twin are there, it just gets even better.

So...I'm happy!
Seriously. I don't want this day to end. But even if it does...I will use this day to walk foward now. And I am so damn happy that I feel like screaming out that.


Thank you so much, minna-san!
(If I wasn't watching Idolos right now, which is taking me from the "mood" and making me laugh as hell, I would be already crying by now.)


Ah, cold winter...even if just for one day, I can proudly say that I was able to be...

A Daughter of White.

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14:43

segunda-feira, 20 de setembro de 2010
"Without saying what was important to me
Only time is passing
Even the streets and the people leave me behind
Cold winter is coming"

...

Just one week. It was just one week. And I think that it was one of the worst school weeks I ever had.
I am almost turning 16. And I never felt so sad about it.
I don't want to fall again, and yet I'm slowly falling. Hurray me, for being stupid enough for not being able to take it.
I feel like I'm turning a Daughter of Evil. And what's worse than that, is the fact that I regret being so evil towards some people that have absolutely no fault about everything that is happening.

...

...Winter, where are you when I need you? Bring me cold snow, sad rain and your vacations. Let me be alone in my room, hearing you and welcoming your arrival.

Enjoy the little things. Enjoy the little things. Enjoy the little things.
That echoes in my mind, and yet, I can't do it. Not anymore.
Little things aren't enough if you never get a "big thing". Always waiting for something that never arrives...I spent around 5 years like that. And next time I notice it, I will be a hag with 80 years (if we don't all die in 2012) that never got anything good, if this goes on.
Nobody cares. And neither should I.

...

White snow, cold snow. Cover everything in white and make our sad world become pure.

At the same time, I am afraid and I'm not. That I'll hit the bottom.
I don't want to be a meanie. I don't want to be alone anymore.
And at the same time, I want to. Because I've always been alone.

And everyone is leaving me behind. Over and over again.

Maybe I am too dramatic. Maybe I am a crybaby. Maybe I'm not as strong as some people think. Maybe I am stupid as hell.
Maybe I am everything evil that there is.

Mariana told me the other day that there is an English course that gives you a paper that allows you to live outside Portugal, proving that you are a fluent english-speaker. I really needed something like that, for my future.
And yet, I can't ask my parents the money for something like that. I can't ask them whenever it is...

....

So, winter...will you come to make this little daughter of evil wishes come true, and turn her into a daughter of white?

This is it. The path that has a fork in its way. In one way, you find happiness. In the other, you find death. And in the last one, you have sadness. That's where I am at, trying to find out which of the 3 is the correct one.
And I can't find myself to choose, because my chance of choosing the one that is happiness is less than 0,01%.

Dreams...? Where are they now...?
Blame the ones who crushed them. Now I don't have a reason to get up everyday.
And funny thing is, I am to blame as well, which just make this even worse. For insulting myself even more.

Me, a Daughter of White...? Haha, who am I trying to fool?
I even deserve claps for my stupidity. For being able to deceive me so well sometimes.

....
I am so sorry. So sorry, for making you two think that it's your fault...
Even if I say it a hundred times, it still wouldn't be enough.

And Sara...you're the thing that's holding me here. Because if I leave, you will leave right after me. I couldn't do something like-- with the burden of being responsible for your--

Close the world, open the next. That's why--

The key. Never lose it. Open. The next...

I just hope the next time I come here, it doesn't envolve any crying.


Ah, how can that be...she surely must be...

A Daughter of Evil.

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10:28

quarta-feira, 25 de agosto de 2010

I want a "freedom" with no answers. I don't need a "freedom" with answers. But with knowing that answer my "freedom" expands.
[Lenka is addicting as hell, and so is Vocaloid, Free and Magnet. ♪]

Nothing good happened.
Okay, I was thinking of writting in the 20th Augost over here to tell you how my 19th was. But, unfortunatly, nothing good happened. All I did was ignore the calls, the messages, and watch tv while thinking.
But, there's something that's bothering me.
I was already addicted to Vocaloid at that time. Everybody that knows that I am addicted to it knows how much I listen of Vocaloid. Even to the extreme to sleep while listening to it.
And well, I pretty much focused on Butterfly On Your Right Shoulder, Len's version and Free and Magnet, both from Len and Luka (aka Lenka).
Those songs are happy and are able to push me foward. No, seriously. It has been a while since I've heard songs that are able to lift my mood up due to its feeling. And Vocaloid is just so epic that it's able to do so.
And maybe due to that, I might have wasted the only day that I allow myself to be all depressive over this. And maybe, that's the reason why I'm not feeling well lately.

And another year goes by.

I wonder if in next year I won't have to go through all this again and alone. I could really use a hug right now.


Well, I found out that most of the clothing acessories that I like is gothic-like. Seriously, I am just as shocked as you are.
You know, striped armwarmers, striped socks and whatever so...headbands.
But I don't really care. At least not about that.
What really troubles me is the fact that now I think that I wouldn't mind to look a little gothic, if that's what a person that uses that stuff is. o3o
And I'm also finally filling my wall with anime posters, yay! I'll post a picture later, when I finish it. ♥

I am stopping with the writing, playing and whatever so for now as well. I need to think right now. And a LOT.
So, please. Unless you really need me or you want to help me in any way, don't bother me. I am really...in a bad mood.
Specially because I am mad at Twin and Pedro. To simply put it...one of them used me to make him look "better and all manish". Well, guess what. You gun goofed!
No, just joking. Truth is, I wasn't in the mood so basically I replied and they got so scared of my awesome arguments that they runned as fast as they could from the conversation. And now they even avoid me. So much of a male, huh. I would call you more a scared cat. Even I am more manish than them, trust me.

4 weeks and school starts. I am getting insane. Seriously.
Good luck with everything, minna-san. I will need a lot of luck, so if you don't need it just give me some of yours, okay. Thank you. Not.

Buh-bye~!
And don't forget to return to your sleeping habits. School is coming, you know.

Signed out while proudly looking at her wall,
Shinobu, the Ace of Spades.

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09:33